


I wish I missed my Ex

by Jean_does_not_have_a_horseface



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Buzzfeed Interview, Drama & Romance, Emotionally Repressed, Exes, F/M, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Love, Love Confessions, celebrity!reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:29:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23161747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jean_does_not_have_a_horseface/pseuds/Jean_does_not_have_a_horseface
Summary: Exes answering BuzzFeed questions is fun to watch, but not that fun when you're the one who has to go through them. Luke and you go through with the interview and everything else goes downhill from that.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings & You, Luke Hemmings/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the mistakes I can't proof read my fics it gives me the chills.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this story, I took my time to write it because I couldn't get the idea out of my head. 
> 
> Also it's been a thousand (1000) years since I posted anything. And please everyone stay home to keep everyone including yourselves safe. I hope this entertains you enough.

BuzzFeed interviews can be super fun or extremely cringy and Luke knows that, yet he doesn't find anything better to do with his time the particular day he's been invited by the media company. Therefore there he is, sitting almost comfortably on his seat and looking around the room with some kind of a fun tense in his body. 

The set around him is dark with very dim lighting except for the main headlights that are set towards him. There's another chair right next to him, something that really makes him curious as to whom his partner is going to be. Ever since the invitation for this came in the BuzzFeed crew insisted on it being a secret since they wanted his true reaction to whatever he was about to experience. Not to mention that they had also invited him specifically.

He waves off to the other members as the crew members ask him if he is ready to welcome his company for today's video. He kindly smiles and nods for yes while setting his hands on the table before him. Nothing can actually prepare him for what he's about to see in a few seconds and the crew members know that and so they make sure to get his okay before they start filming.

Luke hasn't seen you in a while. In a very long while if he has to be honest. You look pretty nice and healthy he has to admit that. Sure he has seen you in interviews popping up on his YouTube or from afar in award shows and after parties but the two of you hadn't been so close in almost four years. 

You practically freeze on your spot when you see him, unsure on whether you want to take another step closer to him or the set. You don't pay any attention to the crew members as they speak to you, asking if you're okay. You just pay attention to the blond male standing only a couple feet away from you. You have signed papers for this though, your team is going to get money from this interview so you should just suck it up and get it over with. BuzzFeed is fun, you keep telling that to yourself.

Luke notices how tense you are while trying your best to sit and be comfortable on your spot, while simultaneously doing your best so not even one of your hairs is touching him. Are you really that disgusted by him that you're going to let this be on camera?

"Today we're doing the drunk exes question list celebrities edition. You're not the only ones to suffer with it." The crew lady announces earning a few laughs from Luke and the other crew and band members. 

"I should have really been informed about this my girl's gonna freak." Luke announces with a small laugh mouthing an I love you to the camera, knowing full well that his girlfriend would be seeing this. Before you even have the chance to voice a word the lady speaks again.

"So what would you think you get get drunk to, we have beer-"

"Beer would be nice" you say, this time forcing an uncomfortable smile. 

"It only gets her tipsy after like 1.5 liters. The secret to getting her drunk is giving her a bottle of whiskey after all this beer." Luke's happy go lucky wide smile is plastered all over his face as he speaks, his eyes traveling back and forth between you and the crew members. 

There's a strange awkward tension in the air and the crew of producers know that; in fact they depend on it existing. Fans have always been starving for the reason Luke and you ended your relationship years ago and everyone knows that, but you're not exactly sure if you do want to share this with the public just yet. You've always romanticised the way people would know; maybe it'd be when you were forty years old, devorced to another rockstar with three kids and talking about your first love to a late night show, but the way Luke unapologetically looks at you doesn't seem to leave you any space to even think about that fantasy right now. You don't even know if you care about whether he wants to make the reason the two of you split public. Nevertheless you drink your opening shot on cue, not even cringing a little. 

Luke is somewhat amused that you still can't relax around him, even after having a few drinks. He's even more amused when you open your mouth, before him, to answer to the first question that is addressed to the two of you. It's a question you'd never like to answer under any other circumstance and he knows it, he'd rather take that weight off your shoulders but he knows better than to raise his voice on top of yours.

"Okay, first question. What was the reason you split."

"Wanting to move on from something unfixably broken. Is unfixably even a word, though?" You laugh, indicating that you're somewhat calmer about this whole situation and Luke realises it's his turn to answer now. He can feel anxiety reeling inside of him, but he decides to push it aside. Some things have to come in naturally and it's not like he owns it to his fans to reveal anything that happened between the two of you, but he feels as if it's going to completely leave off his shoulders if he just speaks.

"Me not being able to be content enough to focus on us. I had a tour, she had to be focused on what she does. It seemed as if our lives didn't align anymore. We weren't sure we were in love."

You look over to the side where the other members are sat at. They're all looking at you apologetically, as if they're sympathising with you for wanting to keep whatever had happened to yourself; they know that being famous isn't as easy as they'd want to think it'd be. Calum in particular is somewhat smiling at you, softly, kindly. It's always a been pity that the two of you stopped hanging out after you and Luke split, he used to be an amazing friend and he'd still be if you hadn't cut him off, to this day he still comes over to talk to you at award shows unlike the other guys, unlike Luke who won't even look at your direction. You awkwardly smile back at him and lift your glass to drink as much as you're able to in one sip.

"Do you regret it?" Luke likes to consider himself smart for dismissing that question like a superhero dodging a bullet. There's a faint romantic smile on his face as he speaks and you can't help but stare, trying to convince yourself that's the most typical smile Luke can master.

"Awe come on don't we have more fun questions?" 

"Alright, alright, what's the funniest think you remember them doing?"

"She has that quirk, that I wouldn't actually call quick, she just likes to try and taste everything." Luke lets out another laugh at this, he finds the face you make after hearing this especially funny because you really must have not expected him to mouth that.

"Luke is a one man show you know, but I think the funniest thing he used to do was impressionating people."

You come to terms with the fact that thinking straight is probably not an option at the moment. You've drunk a lot, shot after shot you're feeling yourself get loose, your vision bluring more and more after each one. You quickly glance over at Luke's direction to see is he looks as drunk as you think you look. Indeed, there's a tint of blush plastered on his porcelain cheeks and his eyes are blinking faster than normal. The next question hits you before you have any time to process how much you want to push your memories with him away.

"Have you ever written or produced something for them?"

"As in writing a song about them?"

"Yes"

"Yeah, all the time." Luke answers in a heartbeat and he tries to ignore that you just want to look him dead in the eye and probably swear at him for saying that. But he soothes himself with the fact that this is only a one time thing, it's not like he's going to talk to you ever again after that.

~~~~~~  
Your eyes are burning as they're fixed on your laptop screen. Yes, you were the one to dare your fans to make ten minute long videos with you talking about Luke but one, you didn't think they'd take it seriously seeing you were drunk at that moment and two there are so many of them that you can't even believe what you're seing. Do your fans really know you that well that they can even decode the things you say at interviews about him without you even mentioning his name or his case at all?

Nevertheless you click on what you think is going to be the last one for today. Checking the title you're not surprised to see this is also called "(Y/n) talking about Luke Hemmings for 10 minutes straight/ part 1."

What is extremely calming is that they mostly have used old footage from back when you and Luke used to be together. And that's about it. Everything else is unsettling but you're the one who started it. There are comments everywhere about how people still ship you and Luke, about how they think you were the best girl for him. And the problem is they're increasing and spreading on every platform like a virus. 

You try to avoid them. You've hurt over Luke on the past and this is over now. Luke has a girlfriend, whom you've met in the past and probably is the sweetest person to exist and you're not in a position for her to feel threatened about her relationship status. You're never going to be this person. 

Yet, there's an extremely annoying itch tormenting your insides. Luke admitted that he still writes songs about you. That fact can't exit your brain, not even for a second. You've always listened to their music, always felt a connection to the lyrics but you could never have imagined some of them are written and sung to your name.

You shut your laptop screen closed and set it aside for the night. You grab your phone and start scrolling through Instagram -a bad idea truly- only to find out that comments about you and Luke are kinda everywhere as long as it concerns you.

You contemplate on whether shitposting is the way to go tonight, yet again you don't want your dms flooding with texts that will take an eternity to delete. You end up snapping a picture of your messy self nevertheless, only to give just a small shout out to Danileigh's new song. After hitting the post button you decide to put your device down and go to the bathroom to execute your night time routing. On your way to the bathroom you try to think of entertaining yet soothing things you could watch to fall asleep.

What you're not aware of is that the call you decide to miss as you wash your face is going to cost you your sleep, for a few nights too probably.


	2. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't proof read you guys.

You are remarkably, strikingly, surprisingly and most of all, utterly pathetic. That's all you keep repeating to yourself while you're waiting at the porch, staring at your closed apartment door. Your lungs seem to be running out of air, your stomach isn't even bothering to keep twisting and churning on the low and your ears won't stop ringing in a ridiculously loud way. Maybe this is a stroke and maybe you're dying -which is much preferable at the moment- and maybe you won't even have to hear that doorbell ringing, indicating that he's here.

But you do and it kind of sends you, actually.

"Coming!" 

Great, now you're numb and you don't even realize how you can find strength to speak. You keep on trying to force yourself to get moving and eventually you make it; your hand turns your doorknob and suddenly the door is open. 

Most people feel an extreme amount of embarrassment to the thought of being stripped down in front of others, in fact that's probably everyone's biggest nightmare. But you? You probably have to pass on that one, because the mighty Luke Hemmings at your door is probably as terrifying and embarrassing as it's going to get for you. Ever.

He's smiling, that's all you gather from that one look you manage to take in from his face before looking away as quickly as you can. As always, he's dressed in black, although he's a bit more casual at the moment. You can distinguish the hoodie that he's wearing; it's one he's had for ages but you can't really remember if you're the one to have bought it for him. If you actually have bought it for him it's such a sweet gesture to wear it while coming to your apartment. 

Oh and how hard you'd slap yourself for coming up with this though had Luke not been here.

"Hey! Can I come in?"

"Uh sure I'm sorry."

Luke seems to pay attention to your moves. He's keeping his distance from you, letting you breath in your private space; he doesn't want you to feel as if he's invading your home. Ever. 

His eyes begin scanning around the room. There's an amazing groovy vibe that's practically oozing from your small apartment and it feels like it's calling out to him to wander and explore. But he's not going to, at least not without your permission. By the time your voice rings in his ears, signaling that you have finally mustered up some words to say to him, he has already come to the conclusion that he's jealous of your interior decor and that he is actually getting old. According to Calum the minute you start acting like a 40 year old wine mom on Facebook when it comes to interior decor, you're getting old.

"I hate to say this but you have to repeat what you said. I was amazed by your couch." He says.

And he kind of hates it, because he definitely knows how hard it is for you to be around him. The last thing he wants to do is make you uncomfortable.

"I said, I'm sorry I invited you here when I could obviously solve this with you over the phone."

"I called you first."

"Anyways uh, make your self at home I guess." you say as you gesture for him to sit down "What did you want to tell me about your video?"

The two of you spend the next hour talking about the 'old me' music video. Luke can't stop talking about the past, about the times the band wasn't as well known as it is now, about times without drama and heartbreak. You hadn't been there since actual day one, but you were there before one direction, before the fame, before anything that made them the band they are now. 

Luke talks about how he had wanted you to be in that video, or maybe use some clips with you but he had decided not to it after his management team advised against it. He's so passionate about what he's saying at the moment that he can't even stop to think about what he's mouthing. It's coming from straight from his heart; that's all he knows. Despite not being here to find any closure with you he doesn't even stop when he realises where the subject has gotten -or maybe- where he's taken it.

"I'm sure I would have loved to be there with you for the release of Youngblood Luke, but you shut me out of it. And for Arzaylea actually." You speak. There's a tone that you don't want to be present in your voice, but there's nothing you can do to stop it and it makes you sad. Luke is definitely going to react badly to that, but you're not here to make past situations any easier to him.

"We couldn't be in a room without fighting once every hour, I didn't shut you out for Arzaylea."

"I was 17 years old Luke, honestly what did you expect? I had to study for most hours, and when you weren't working you were so exhausted that everything I did would get in your nerves."

"This is your excuse? I was exhausted from working? That's why you were so butthurt over that you didn't help me with what I was going through?"

Luke can feel his lungs running out of oxygen everytime he tries to take deep breaths to calm down himself. He shouldn't be doing this, he should be initiating fights with you. He isn't here for that, yet somehow he can't help but want to talk about this matter. You've been with him for so long and through so much in his life. There's always been a part of him that can't let go of that. 

"You're asking my why I didn't defend you with the Arzaylea situation?"

"Yeah pretty much."

"It wasn't any of my business Luke. You broke up with me."

The fact that you and Luke could be so alike yet so different had always amazed you, but never to this point. You don't know what he actually wants from you right now, although you come to realise that the two of you never had any closure. Surely, things had ended where they did, but there was never an explanation. You had turnt to yourself, isolating completely from Luke, the band, his family even. Luke must have hated how in one fatal day you became a stranger to him and his family. 

"And you didn't even seem any upset about it." He still feels that way apparently. And he's not wrong about what he says either. But your only mechanism to cope with this situation is either defense or attack. And you hate it.

"I wasn't upset!? It was so hard for me to go through that without bothering you. Did you just want to see me miserable?"

You stop speaking the moment Luke signs you to. Your eyes travel up and down his face, examining his expression fully before turning away, settling into anything random in sight. You hear as Luke sighs, deeply, desperately almost as if everything is insufferable.

Without waisting time you take the chance to process the situation in your head. You should calm down, completely, not let your bad side show, but there's already a lamp in your throat. An unpleasant tightening that indicates you're not going to calm down any time soon. Luke's words don't assure you either.

"I don't even want to fight you about this. I just- I- I'm just saying how I felt about that. No point in fighting (y/n)."

"It's 2020 so I guess since we're being healthy adults, I should apologize. And maybe..."

"Maybe?"

"It's just. You were my first love. I was so devastated I thought my world was ending. There were times I had wanted to reach out, see what you were doing. I had definitely wanted to say something about the whole Arzaylea thing. But I could have been seen as crazy ex as well. So here's your answer."

"Look, (y/n)-"

"And honestly I had an anxiety attack over you coming here. You probably don't even understand the impact you have on me. I don't want to hang out with you. I don't want to be your friend." 

Your eyes are teary, yet you refuse to even let those salty tears run down your cheeks. It hits you like a wave; everything that's happened with Luke, everything that's going to happen it's so obvious that you can't escape him. You know him so damn well and he hasn't changed, not even a little and you refuse to be part of this again, even if deep inside you're dying for it.

You hate to run back to times where it was you Luke against the world though it's inevitable at this point. He has moved on, you have moved on, so whatever is trying to take you to those times has to stop. There's a part of you that wants to be in his life however. Maybe this is going to soothe the pain and terminate any repressed feelings. It's not a necessarily bad or good idea to sit and rethink about wanting to be friends with him. In the end, it's just Luke. Right?

It takes him a while to notice; you're looking straight at him, without uttering a word, tense and tight. You're staring as if his words have absolutely no context, and he's staring back as bloodshot eyes that leak of tears are blinking into his. Luke regrets coming here. He regrets having to put you under this condition. And he definitely regrets not shutting up when he shoulld have. But, it's just you, right? Coming to think of it he'd never really thought about what to say to you, it all came naturally.

"Hey come here!" He manages to say before he opens up his arms and steps into your direction, yet your reaction is somewhat something he doesn't expect.

"Don't touch me." 

You're harsh, you're speaking as if you're going to bite him through your tears, but he doesn't care. He knows you don't mean it. He definitely wants to take you his arms, calm you down, but reality checks hard on him as your words ring into his head over and over. He shouldn't be hugging you. Mostly because he's not about to do something you haven't given him permission to, and also, importantly, because he's got a girl at home. So he's just left there, sinking into your couch and gazing at the ceiling. It feels as if the whole world is sinking and he's unable to do anything.

~~~~~

Luke's phone is blowing up. 

Quarantine is not easy. He can't go out, he can't meet the guys, especially because they're feeling unwell and he is just tired of scratching his guitar for most of the day. Therefore reaching for his buzzing phone is the only option to get him out of his momentarily boredome misery.

Of course, the first thing he has to see when he opens Instagram is your profile icon with a play button on top of it. Immediately he taps on it, entering your live broadcast without second thought. Sierra is probably in the bathroom, plus she was the one who had prompted him to clear things up with you, and had stated she was happy that he had finally gotten some -type of- closure. So she should be fine with this.

Your tagged comment read 'karaoke night' in all caps. Luke figures that your followers suggest songs that you eventually decide to sing. Your voice is definitely a lot better than it used to be. You're obviously not taking any classes and you're not a professional singer, but you still have a nice essence in your voice that Luke can't stop himself from wanting to listen to. He watches peacefully as you sing what he recognizes to be 'don't watch me cry' by Jorja Smith. Jorja -just as any best friend would do- is rooting for you in the comment section, Luke's eyes catch a glimpse of her name a couple of times even though he avoids looking at the comments. Most fans seem too excited with the fact that he has entered the live and won't stop promulging it.

He momentarily thinks about whether its stalkerish of him or not to be in your live without even talking. A part of him keeps nagging him about Sierra; he feels its wrong, somehow, but then again why would it feel wrong. He's just trying to make the best out of what he had told you that time at your apartment. He promised he'd try to ease his way into your life without hurting you and that's what he's doing, so why does he feel so guilty about it?

It's only a couple of hours later that he gets his response. He's tagged over and over again at the same picture that apparently Jorja has posted with the caption 'still runs all her errands in (t)his sweater'. Its depicting you a calm expression adorning your face while you're sat on Jorja's couch holding a slice of pizza while wearing a so well known shirt. Honestly he's way too shook it is in perfect condition and that it still fits you.

He's never going to get out and see the end of this, right?


End file.
